Words Spoken Too Soon

So okay, I was wrong, alright?

Erik DID express an interest in me.

And I thought the "danger" was over. I was so wrong.

Late in the night, I received an SMS from him. "Hi, I know it was late, but this is the only time I am free. Time has passed, are you seeing anyone or have someone in mind? If not, can we have a chit chat this Saturday over tea?"

I was like: WELL!!

I hate to say this, but my first instinct was vexation. That's right, not horror, not revulsion, not love, not pleasantly flattered.

Just Vexed.

Here I am, not a sweet young thing anymore, certainly not a beauty like Cinderella, but not a contender for the role of Cinderella's step sisters either.

WHY ME?!

I was more upset with the fact that he is sooo much older than me, that I could not imagine why he thought we could get together. Our state of minds are worlds apart! We don't have common interests! He's nice, but ... he's not the guy I want!! Why don't I get the ones I want, but always have those that I don't, foisted upon me?

I think the man, bless his soul, has decided to settle for convenience and companionship, rather than love. At first, I thought, perhaps I ought to accept him, since, you know, I'm no young chick and hey, here's someone who's willing to give a go at it. Afterall, who marries for love at my age? Come on, be REALISTIC!

But in my heart of hearts, if I were to ask myself honestly, if I'd rather settle down because I am tired of being lonely, never mind about love, I coudn't do it. No way could I do it. I'm far too honest with myself. And I thought I'm alright with compansionship, the "it's better that he loves you more than you love him" kind of thinking.

I couldn't. I just couldn't.

After thinking of ways and means to turn him down nicely, I was originally planning to reply him in such a way that "whether I'm attached or eyeing someone, we can always have tea". But my courage failed me - I don't think I have the courage to hear someone proclaim their interest in me, only to have me cruelly turn them down, no matter how gently I word it.

I'm sorry, man, but I just couldn't. In the end, chicken-hearted me just sms-ed back that 'I'm sorry but I've gotta work this weekend. Can't have tea'.

Ah, the resultant silence was such a godsend.

*****

A week later, we were all at tea at McDonalds'. He footed the bill first for all of us and declined to accept my payment. I insisted and passed him the cash.

That had settled the issue convincingly and conclusively!

None Of Your Business, Thank You Very Much

I'm obviously irate.

Here it is, the boss calling me into his room. Oblivious to my request that I not be posted to a god-forsaken place, he has, under sudden illumination, decided to ask me to consider a posting to the aforementioned god-forsaken place.

With the very very intelligent reason that "your colleague there is thinking of taking no pay leave to take care of her kid, and you being unmarried and not likely to be pregnant/starting a family anytime soon, is a better bet for continuity, in the best interest of the organisation".

Of course, he went on to highlight the advantages of working there. However, I was not listening.
I was filled with an overwhelming sense of discrimination and outrage.

Me! Discriminated! Simply because I'm single and hence, able to give my best, according to his short-sighted logic!

Makes me want to run of his room, grab the nearest man I can find and fornicate on the spot, just to prove him wrong.

Unenlightened comments are enough to cause one tear my hair out. Why must single women always, always, ALWAYS carry the can?

I'm pro-family and all, but really, the logic and reasoning suck. I'm not evaulated because of my skills, but by my delay in child-bearing?!

The good thing was, I managed to rein in my temper, and repled that I'd prefer to be posted to a place where my skills match the job.

The comments undoubtedly caused a few nights of vexation and teeth-gnashing, until I came across the blessed verses of Philipians 4:4-6. Which ultimately granted me the sleep that has eluded me for the past week.

Now that my first anger has past, a rational look of how the entire conversation went seems pretty amusing now.

The cell and core groups were sufficiently entertained, although some folks thought the remarks were uncalled for or in bad taste.

However, the remarks drew some praise and encouragement from a good friend of mine, whom I am forever blessing and pray that some day soon, she'll find Mr Right. :)

Sehnsucht

Sehnsucht - German for desire, longing, yearning.

******

Coming across this word in a postcard, it pretty much sums up what I've been mulling in my mind over the past 3 weeks.

A lot of things have been troubling my heart. I've experienced nights where I'd suddenly wake up, confused, disoriented, unsure if I'm in the right place, afterall.

This feeling of "not knowing if I'm supposed to be here, or elsewhere" has probably escalated with Regina's long term plan of studying in the US. It's a good plan for her - boyfriend's posted to New York, she likey to join him while taking out a crushing bank loan to finance her studies and possibly working abroad.

Funny how similar her plans were to my dreams once, oh-so-long-ago.

Or is it too late to even have these dreams now?

Mid-Life Crisis Looming

I'm feeling its heavy shadow upon me.

Yep, I've been having it ever since I was in my late 20s. The feeling of "am I supposed to be at the place that I'm supposed to be"?

Or "Has life passed me by?"

How about "have I wasted my years, just working, working, WORKING?"

And then, again, "what's next?"

Is it a time of too much idleness, being ensconced in a cushy job that requires so little from me?

Or is it because I feel that I still have more to give, and that I don't want to live a life where I have cause to look back with regrets?

Today's scanning of what's interesting in cyberspace brought me to an interesting post by Gayle Goh, that prodigious blogger of i-speak. Here's her definition of "mid-life crisis", which felt as if a sledgehammer has finally shattered that self-imposed cocoon of lethargy, hopelessness, helplessness and bewilderment.

Midlife crisis:

1. Midlife is the old age of youth and the youth of old age. -- Proverb.

2. "Midlife transition" is a natural stage that happens to many of us at some point (usually at about age 40, give or take 20 years).
Midlife transition can include:
Discontentment or boredom with life or with the lifestyle (including people and things) that have provided fulfilment for a long time.
Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different.
Questioning decisions made years earlier and the meaning of life.
Confusion about who you are or where your life is going.
-- Source.

3. A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his or her life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individuals experiencing such may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning of individuation, a process of self-actualization...
-- Source

I think part of the disatisfaction lies with the fact that my long cherished dreams of settling down and having the national average of 2.5 children did not materialise, after all these years. But come to think of it, if the above definitions (especially definition #3) was any more accurate, then I AM GRATEFUL that I'm not at that stage where I would feel "boredom with lives, jobs and partners", and presumably, to change them.

Phew.

God forbid that I should consider changing partners like a sudden whim to change clothes.

For the past 2 weeks, my mind has been tormenting me. Of how I should have done this, or achieved that.

Is it too late now for changes? I've always wanted to go back to school and work abroad, but that didn't pan out, or somehow I never got around to seriously planning it. It's just mere castles in the air.

Now if you ask me to do so, I feel so tired, and a certain covestousness about the hard-earned savings that I've squirreled away, to be used for overseas studies, seems so... hard to let go, despite the promise of richer opportunties, post-studies.

With no man to tie me down, is this the time to go, then? Is there the proverbial Promised Land abroad, since locally, I feel so, so stifled and disenfranchised?

God, are you listening to me? Wherewithal shall I go, and wherewithal shall I stay? If I am indeed the apple of Your eye, tell me, show me, convince me on the path that I should take.

Amen.