Mid-Life Crisis Looming

I'm feeling its heavy shadow upon me.

Yep, I've been having it ever since I was in my late 20s. The feeling of "am I supposed to be at the place that I'm supposed to be"?

Or "Has life passed me by?"

How about "have I wasted my years, just working, working, WORKING?"

And then, again, "what's next?"

Is it a time of too much idleness, being ensconced in a cushy job that requires so little from me?

Or is it because I feel that I still have more to give, and that I don't want to live a life where I have cause to look back with regrets?

Today's scanning of what's interesting in cyberspace brought me to an interesting post by Gayle Goh, that prodigious blogger of i-speak. Here's her definition of "mid-life crisis", which felt as if a sledgehammer has finally shattered that self-imposed cocoon of lethargy, hopelessness, helplessness and bewilderment.

Midlife crisis:

1. Midlife is the old age of youth and the youth of old age. -- Proverb.

2. "Midlife transition" is a natural stage that happens to many of us at some point (usually at about age 40, give or take 20 years).
Midlife transition can include:
Discontentment or boredom with life or with the lifestyle (including people and things) that have provided fulfilment for a long time.
Feeling restless and wanting to do something completely different.
Questioning decisions made years earlier and the meaning of life.
Confusion about who you are or where your life is going.
-- Source.

3. A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his or her life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individuals experiencing such may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning of individuation, a process of self-actualization...
-- Source

I think part of the disatisfaction lies with the fact that my long cherished dreams of settling down and having the national average of 2.5 children did not materialise, after all these years. But come to think of it, if the above definitions (especially definition #3) was any more accurate, then I AM GRATEFUL that I'm not at that stage where I would feel "boredom with lives, jobs and partners", and presumably, to change them.

Phew.

God forbid that I should consider changing partners like a sudden whim to change clothes.

For the past 2 weeks, my mind has been tormenting me. Of how I should have done this, or achieved that.

Is it too late now for changes? I've always wanted to go back to school and work abroad, but that didn't pan out, or somehow I never got around to seriously planning it. It's just mere castles in the air.

Now if you ask me to do so, I feel so tired, and a certain covestousness about the hard-earned savings that I've squirreled away, to be used for overseas studies, seems so... hard to let go, despite the promise of richer opportunties, post-studies.

With no man to tie me down, is this the time to go, then? Is there the proverbial Promised Land abroad, since locally, I feel so, so stifled and disenfranchised?

God, are you listening to me? Wherewithal shall I go, and wherewithal shall I stay? If I am indeed the apple of Your eye, tell me, show me, convince me on the path that I should take.

Amen.